A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
>>hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he
had done.
>>The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous
>>on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If Istart
>>to get nervous, I take "a sip."
>>
>>So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
>>
>>At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took
a drink. He
>>proceeded to talk up a storm.
>>Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on
>>the door:
>>
>> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
>>
>> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>>
>>3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>>
>>4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>>
>>5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>>
>>6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
>>
>>7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as daddy, junior
>>and the spook.
>>
>>8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of
him.
>>
>>9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he
>>was stoned off his ass.
>>
>>10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>>
>>11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take
this and
>>eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat
me"
>>
>>12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the
Cherry,"
>>
>>13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for
>>the grub, yeah God.
>>
>>14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest
at St.Peter's, not a
>>peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
>>