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> MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
> GENERAL:
> 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
> 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
> 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
> 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
> 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
> DINING OUT
> 1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
> 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
> ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
> 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
> 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.
> PERSONAL HYGIENE
> 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
> 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
> 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
> 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernail is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
> DATING (Outside the Family)
> 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
> 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
> 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
> THEATER ETIQUETTE
> 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
> 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
> WEDDINGS
> 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
> 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
> 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
> 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
> DRIVING ETIQUETTE
> 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in your sights.
> 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
> 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
> 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.
>
> Chelsea Clinton
> One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White
House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting
married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his
name is Matt."
> After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk
with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful
wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have
fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother,
and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was
> heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.
> A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to
marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on
another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your
half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious!
She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her.
> "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she
complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my
half-brother."
> Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear.
He's not really your father."
>
> "Actual Signs"
> In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
> On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
> Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
> In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
> On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
> On a front door, "Everyone on the Premises is a vegetarian except the
dog."
> At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
> On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
> On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
> On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
> At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car
payment."
> Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
> In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
> On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd
> one just left."
> In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
> At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be..."
> In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
> On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
> In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get
fed up."
> Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
> In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat
any place they want."
>
> "Student of the Torah"
> A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father
invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the
father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah
scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide
a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will
study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will
you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?", asks the
father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support
children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. The
conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the
young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How
did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the
good news is he thinks I'm God."
>
> TITANIC redux
> (Scene 1)
> ROSE: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
> CAL: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an
artist named Picasso. I am certain he will amount to nothing.
> ROSE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
> JACK: Hello, I'm played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many girls who worship me. You are very pretty.
> ROSE: Thank you. So are you.
> JACK: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
> ROSE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat
sinks and people start dying. I'll try to stay attractive by getting my
dress wet. Meanwhile, for no apparent reason, I'll count the lifeboats.
> CAL: Excuse me. I do not like you, even though you saved my fiance's life.
I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and
then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiance, and then, just to
make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is
entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the
water.
> AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a
few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus,
you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate
you! Boo!
> (Scene 2)
> JACK: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your
fiance.
> ROSE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment
to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat
of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine
of the movie will no doubt help the audience forgive me of this, though they
would be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
> JACK: I agree. First, I would like to draw you.
> ROSE: Can I take my clothes off now?
> JAMES CAMERON: Yes.
> ROSE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that
sort of thing?
> JAMES CAMERON: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks
the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will sell out.
> NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
happened.
> ROSE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
> (Scene 3)
> FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
> CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
> ICEBERG: (hits boat)
> FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
> CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
> AUDIENCE: (silence)
> FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
> AUDIENCE: Boo! Where's Leonardo?
> JACK: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
> ROSE: That is terrible.
> JACK: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
> ROSE: Certainly. Let's steam up some windows.
> CAL: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. To cement my
morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going
to handcuff Jack to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with
water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been
mentioned previously.
> JACK: Why don't you just shoot me?
> CAL: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Rose from me. Of
course, you're going to die anyway...
> AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us!
> JACK: He's right, though. I am doomed.
> AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
> CAL: I hate you people.
> (scene 4)
> JACK: We're not going to die. At least you're not.
> ROSE: This water is very cold.
> JACK: *glugglugglug*
> ROSE: He's gone. I'll just freeze my lips to this whistle.
> (Scene 5)
> 150 YEAR OLD ROSE: And that's when Jack rescued me from my evil fiance and
helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for
having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not
frozen my legs off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a
thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down
that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud
music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr.
Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in
the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
> (Fade to black. Roll credits, accompanied by that annoying Celine Dion
song and the sound of James Cameron counting a huge pile of cash.)
>
> ONE LINERS
> How do you get holy water?
> Boil the hell out of it.
>
> What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
> "Dam!"
>
> What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
> Polaroids.
>
> What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
> A stick.
>
> What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
> Nacho cheese.
>
> What do you call Santa's helpers?
> Subordinate clauses.
>
> What do you get from a pampered cow?
> Spoiled milk.
>
> What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
> Frostbite.
>
> What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
> A nervous wreck.
>
> What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
> Anyone can roast beef.
>
> Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
> Because they have big fingers.
>
> What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
> Sanka.
>
> What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
> The location of the dirt bag.
>
> Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
> Because they wear their belt buckle on the hat.
>
> What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
> A bad golfer goes WHACK! "Damn".
> A bad skydiver goes "Damn." WHACK.
>
> What do you call a man with a car on his head?
> Jack.
>
> How do you catch a unique rabbit?
> Unique up on it.
>
> How do you catch a tame rabbit?
> Tame way, unique up on it.
>
> What do you call skydiving lawyers?
> Skeet.
>
> What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop?
> An Amish drive-by shooting.
>
> How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
> Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
>
> COURT QUOTES
> These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place:
>
> Q: What is your date of birth?
> A: July fifteenth.
> Q: What year?
> A: Every year.
>
> Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
> Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> A: I forget.
> Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
>
> Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> Q: How long has he lived with you?
> A: Forty-five years.
>
> Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
> A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> Q: And why did that upset you?
> A: My name is Susan.
>
> Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> A: Approximately milepost 499.
> Q: And where is milepost 499?
> A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
>
> Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>
> Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> A: After the accident?
> Q: Before the accident.
> A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
>
> Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
> A: We both do.
> Q: Voodoo?
> A: We do.
> Q: You do?
> A: Yes, voodoo.
>
> Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
> A: Yes.
> Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> A: Yes, sir.
> Q: What did she say?
> A: What disco am I at?
>
> Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>
> Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
>
> Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
> Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>
> Q: She had three children, right?
> A: Yes.
> Q: How many were boys?
> A: None.
> Q: Were there any girls?
>
> Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> A: Yes.
> Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
>
> Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> A: By death.
> Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
> Q: Can you describe the individual?
> A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> Q: Was this a male, or a female?
>
> Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
> A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
> Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>
> Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> A: Oral.
>
> Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
>
> Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> A: No.
> Q: Did you check for breathing?
> A: No.
> Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
> A: No.
> Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
>
> My Sins
> Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have
sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you,
Tommy? Tommy says "Yes father, it's me." The Priest says "Who was the
woman you were with?" Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I
don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda
O'Malley?" Tommy replies. "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Fiona
MacDonald?" Tommy replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?" Tommy
replies "No." The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" Tommy
replies "No, father." The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?" Tommy replies
"No, father." The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" Tommy replies
"NO father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire
your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be
four 'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to your seat." Tommy
walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and whispers, "What
happened?!" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Mary, and six good
leads."
>
> The Origin of the Finger
> Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without their middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English
Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew"
(or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won
major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at
the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative
'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute
are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
> (And yew thought yew knew everything!)
>
> Life's Lessons
> Lesson Number One
> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing
nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
> Lesson Number Two
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that
it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.
> Lesson Number Three
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the
> ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and
dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing
him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him! The morals of this story are: 1) Not everyone who
drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is
your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
>
> THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT MOVIES:
> 1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price
range of most people, whether they are employed or not.
> 2. One of a pair of identical twins is always born evil.
> 3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You
will always choose the right one.
> 4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society. Interestingly, alien
computers seem to be IBM compatible.
> 5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessors.
> 6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
> 7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
> 8. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
> 9. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.
> 10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the
armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside
her.
> 11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
> 12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
> 13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
> 14. In war it is impossible to die unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
> 15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent
will do.
> 16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
> 17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
> 18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
> 19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
> 20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say:
Enter Password Now.
> 21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
> 22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
> 23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
> 24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will
know all the steps.
> 25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
> 26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to
each other in English.
>
> Things kids say.
> A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child
in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
> Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader
> Strike while the .........................Bug is close
> It's always darkest before................Daylight Savings Time
> Never underestimate the power of..........Termites
> You can lead a horse to water but.........how?
> Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty
> No news is................................impossible
> A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
> You can't teach an old dog new............math's
> If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning
> Love all, trust...........................me
> The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
> An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax
> Where there's smoke there's...............pollution
> Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
> A penny saved is..........................not much
> Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers
> Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
> Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry
and......................you have to blow your nose
> None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
> Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
> If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries
> You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
> When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way
> And the favorite...
> Better late than..........................pregnant
>
> THE NEW HUSBANDS DESCRIBED...
> A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to
write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to
their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and
daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the
mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and
the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL
COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House
advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother
is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a
message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the
Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is
happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four
weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And mother looks into the British
Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY,
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
>
> BURYING THE FAMILY PET
> One day Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. Johnny replies,
"My goldfish died and I'm burying him." "That's an awful big hole for a
goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Johnny shot back, "That's because
he's inside your fucking cat!'
>
> Good News: A busload of lawyers ran of a cliff. The bus was destroyed and
there were no survivors.
> Bad News: There were three empty seats.
>
> THE MARRIAGE INVESTMENT
> An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't
know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid
we're broke." The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into
town." Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for
a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go
into town. When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office
building? We own that." Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles
something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just
happens to be the richest part of town. Wife says again pointing, "See those
five houses? We own those." Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably
crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?" Wife
replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me
$5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20
years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?" Husband says,
"Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have given you
ALL my business."