A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade
6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a
giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very
top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder
giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she
turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This
time there is an burst of laughter from another male
student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are
over."
-------------------------

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
"waist?"
Because you could fit another pair of tits there.

Harry goes up to a whore and says, "How much for a blow job?"
She says, "A hundred bucks."
He says, "Okay," and he starts to jack off.
She says, "What are you doing that for?"
He says, "For a hundred bucks, you don't think I'm gonna give
you the easy one, do you?"
(GEDDIT!!!)

Monica Lewinsky's lawyer hands a picture of her to Bill Clinton and
says, "Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?"
Clinton says, "I think I've come across her face a couple of
times."

A guy reaches out of his apartment window to see if it's raining, and
a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up and sees a woman
looking down.
He yells, "Is this yours?"
She says, "Yes...could you please bring it up?"
He goes up, walks into her apartment, hands her the eye, and she
says, "I'm about to have dinner. Please join me."
After dinner, she says, "Want to go to bed?"
He says, "Are you this friendly to every guy you meet?"
She says, "No. Only the ones who catch my eye."

Hillary Clinton says, "Bill, now the press is saying you lent money
to that Monica Lewinsky for plastic surgery."
He says, "You see how they twist things? What I said was that I
blew a wad on her face.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

Women are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot
it

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend
almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the
second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the
stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a
towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager
of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The
Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would
very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a
towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying
on the dining room skylight."

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel
room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a
bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,"
admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd
be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on
the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all
night watching me."

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making
truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,
and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous,
fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives
away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed
with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And
just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison..."
Sayings you never see on Hallmark Cards
>Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 18:00:39 -0700
>
>
> > "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
> > "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
> > "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
> > meeting you, I've changed my mind."
> > "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in
> > Hell till I met you."
> > "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
> > wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"
> > "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
>ruin
> > them for me."
> > "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
> > "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like
> > the need for therapy..."
> > "Thanks for being a part of my life!! I never knew what evil was before
> > this!"
> > "Congratulations on your promotion. Hey, before you go, would you like
>to
> > take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."
> > "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
> > "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't date a guy with boobs that
>are
> > bigger than mine."
> > "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
> > "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
>we've
> > broken up, how about keeping your promise?"
> > "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
>So
> > here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
> > "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
> > "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
> > "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
>the
> > father was?"
> > "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there
> > was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you a lot and think of you often."
> > "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
>birthday---so
> > we're having you put to sleep."
> > "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
>

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage
he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
mean $200?"